It’s been couple months since my last post, and I feel bad that I didn’t post anything. Last couple months are a little bit hard for me. I didn’t want to write anything. But now, we gonna talk about something that not makeup related. This post is gonna a little ‘deep’ and I hope that maybe will help some of you who has the same ‘thing’ with me.
Just like the title, this post is about how to deal with bullies and anxiety. I rarely talk about something that emotional related with other people, because it makes me feel insecure and emotional. But, I decided to talk about it today because I knew that a lot of people out there that experience the same things with me. I’m gonna write down things that I did to deal with both of problems based on my experience. It could be not working for everybody, but at lease gave you ideas.
I have social anxiety since I was in kinder garden. I remember that I am so excited to learn in school but terrified that I need to meet the other kids at the same time. I scared that the teacher would be an evil and punish me really hard. Meeting new people, first semester, party, joining club always freaked me out. I am so scared that thing will gone wrong and I will get trouble. I don’t even like leaving my bedroom or my home. I don’t like to make an eye contact with other, I am scared if people will ask me anything, I don’t want people to notice me. It’s very hard for me to make friends, that’s why I only have a few, and I keep them like family.
Other than that, I also freaked out every time somebody said that I can’t continue what I did. Like, when I was in primary school, there’s test, I have to run 20 round. After I run 12 times, the teacher said, ‘you can’t continue running, you are too slow’. Well, I am a slow runner, I can’t run. When I did my 12 round other doing their 17 round, but I still try to run until the coach said that words. I freaked out, my body start shaking, I can’t breathe, I feel nausea, and I got panic attack and all I can do is crying. Crying in front of other people is something that I hate.
Other example, 2 weeks before 30th September 2015, my office mate told me that the company won’t renew my contract, and I can’t work there anymore. First time I hear that, I lost for words. My heart is beating so hard but I try to calm myself down. At night, the anxiety came back. I got panic attack, I can breath, I feel burning sensation my my chest and my back, I feel nausea, i feel itchy on the back on my hand for days, I can’t sleep, my mind can’t stop running and thinking. I want to cry but I’m too scared to cry. I’m so scared that I gonna be a useless person. After 3 sleepless nights, I finally able release all the emotions that I have and cry myself to sleep.
This annoying anxiety has came again to me in last couple months, especially in March. Last March was a very hard month for me. The pressure to get job is really high. I running out my saving, and I still have bills to pay. Asking money to my mother wasn’t easy either. I still able to make a little money by selling makeup through my second IG: @naiabeautyshop. I had another sleepless night, I cried every night. I still struggling to find a new job until now but I feel better that last month.
How to deal with anxiety:
- When it comes to my social anxiety, first thing that I always do is take a deep breath. It sounds pretty cliché, but it is very important. It helps you to slowing down your heart beat. Take deep breath a few times before you do something that you scared of.
- Don’t think too much. Just do it anyway. Well, for me, this is the hard part, because I always think the worst things that could happen. But, by prepare for the worst, I’ll be able to handle if something bad happened.
- Practice. Practice on this context is to see more new people. Push yourself harder. Drag your butt to the party that you scared off. Greet people. It’s sound easy for most of people. For me, that’s the hardest things to do.
- Smile. This is what I always do if I met new people. Smile gives me courage that I really need the most. It also makes me feel confident with myself.
- Listening music. Music has an important part on my life. I can go crazy without music. When I feel down, I will listening to songs that burn my spirit on, like “Fight Song”, “Stand by You” by Rachel Platten, “Each Tear” by Mary J Blige, “Life is worth Living” by Justin Bieber and “Don’t be so hard on yourself” by Jess Glyne. But if I only want to calm down my mind, I will listening something classic like Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven. Or just download sound of ocean, it’s so relaxing.
- Journaling. This is what helps me the most in battling anxiety. I have a journal that I use to write down all my worries, insecurities, anger, things that scare me, things that I can’t share with anybody. Journaling keeps me sane.
- See a psychologist. If really need to share or talk with a person, but you didn’t trust anyone in your inner circle, psychologist is a perfect choice. I, personally didn’t trust anyone in my inner circle including my family, and there’s one time I really want to talk with a psychologist, but I didn’t do it because it cost some money that I didn’t have. So, I looking for free consultation website, and basically talk with psychologist on-line. Unfortunately, I didn’t remember the website because it was years ago. But, if you knew somebody who takes major in clinical psychology, you can ask them if they need a practice object, you can volunteer. I did that when I was in college.
- Medication. I personally didn’t take any medication, but if your anxiety really bothering you and you can’t control it, see a doctor to get a prescription to help you control your anxiety.
I got bullied since I am in kinder gander. I was 4 years old. I don’t have many friends all my life. When I was in kinder garden, I only have 3 friends, Dani, Suci and Dania. And there’s an evil looking girl in my class that talk bad about me to her friends. She is the popular one that time. I can speak their language, but I do understand what they talking about. I was the tallest girls in my school, the only one who can speak sundanese, and the only girl who came to school with my grandma, not with my mother. I also have large birthmark on my right arm that looks weird to them. That group of girls call me weird and daughter of a snake. I mad at them, but all I can is say “Diam” (shut up, in English) because I can’t speak their language. They laugh at me. The teacher did nothing to them. I almost cry, but I hold back my tears. And I decided to stand for myself. I punch that girl in the face. She cried, and the principal called me and my grandma to her office, and also the evil –looking girl and her mother. They asked my why sis I punched that girl, I explain everything. The girl’s mother was mad at me. My grandma apologized to her. But when my grandma asked me to say sorry, I said that I didn’t regret what I did, I defend myself when nobody defend on me. I didn’t see myself doing something wrong. After that incident, that girl hates me, but she never talks bad about me anymore.
There’s another incident when I was 5th grade. Every time I walk back home from one of my best friend house, I took a shortcut. In that street, there are older teenage boys that always bullied me. I call them ‘useless boys’. This ‘useless boys’ didn’t go to school and always wasting their times just to hang out and doing nothing (that’s why I call them useless). They always make fun of me. If you knew me in person, you knew that I have a weird way of walk. The way I walk is different from anybody. I didn’t see it as a problem. I knew that it makes me unique. This ‘useless boys’ call be duck and impersonate my walk and make it look really bad. I told my grandma that they make fun of me. My grandma only said “They’ll get tired themselves, they just ‘useless boys’”. So, I try to ignore them, but they still make fun of me. I hate it, and I think that’s enough. One day, when I took that shortcut and they make fun of me again. I stop walking and stand in front of them. I said “Aren’t you get tired with the same joke over and over again? Or maybe you just too dumb to get over it. Why did you wasting time making fun of me while you can help your mother or do something more useful?” And they laugh at me. I get pissed off. And finally I said “What’s wrong about the way I walk? Did you think that you have the perfect way of walk?” after saying that, I go to one of their home and talk to one of their mother that they bothering me. I told her everything. Well, fortunately, the lady is kind to me and she yelled at the ‘useless boys’ and promise me that the boys won’t bother me again, and if they did, I can tell her. After that day, the boys never bother me again.
That are two examples of bullies that happened to me as a child. I got another, but not so major that I can handle them instantly.
How to deal with bullies:
- Told the one/s who bullied to stop doing it. Tell them that you didn’t like what they did.
- Talk to your parents or family. It’s OK to tell them that you get bullied. It didn’t make you a cry baby. It’s Ok to ask for help. At least they can talk to the one who bullied you to stop.
- Stand for yourself. It’s OK to defend yourself when somebody attacked you. Show them that you are strong, so they won’t play around again with you.
- If you bullied at school, talk to your teacher, school council, or your principal. Like I said before, It’s ok for you to seek for help.
- Be strong mentally. Ignore them. Always remember that time will pass. They won’t bully you forever. Most of the time, people get bullied at junior or senior high school, but it’s just a phase, a short period. 1 or 2 years wasn’t long compare to the rest years you have in your life. Bully can break you or build you. Choose it as something that built you mentally. You will become a stronger person than the one who bullied you.
I am so grateful for everything that happened to me when I was a kid. My childhood wasn’t the easiest, but all of things that happened make me who I am today. I am very strong mentally, It’s not that easy to bring me down. Even though my anxiety visits me sometime, but I still can handle it pretty well.
I think this is it for today post. This is a very long post. I hope it didn’t bore you. And I wish it will help some people out there.
Thank you for visiting my blog, and I will see you on my next post.