HEART TO HEART

Depression

 

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When I was younger, I always think that people who take their own life are stupid. I am sorry, but that’s true. I am a person who always trying hard to make things work. I am person who stand for myself and face every problem that I have alone. I think people that did suicide are coward. But, after one moment in college, everything changed.

When I was in college, I had depression caused by fear. I have anxiety. I have a lot of fear, one of the biggest is I am scared of losing somebody that close to me. I lost somebody that I consider as a very good best friend, his name is Rob. No, he still alive. Just, he’s gone from my life.

I made mistake that I didn’t know what it is. I apologize for everything that happened in between me and him. He is still mad at me. I feel embarrassed because of the reason I got depressed is stupid, a boy. I never get diagnose by any doctor that I had depression. I cover that up. I didn’t tell anybody about what I felt back in the day.

I lock myself in my apartment. I didn’t go to campus to attend classes. I starve myself, I didn’t eat for days. All I did is cry. I’m crying for days, I didn’t get up from bed. I keep thinking to find my mistakes. Things that I did to him that makes me deserve this. I keep saying “I am sorry” in empty apartment. I want to call that guy but I feel that I not good enough to do that. I feel that I am not worth it. In that moment, I feel the urge. I feel the urge to hurt myself. I really want to throw myself out from the balcony. It’s so tempting. It’s look like the fastest and easiest way to end this sadness. I want to kill myself. Now I understand why people take their own life.

At that moment, I realize that It is dangerous. I can’t lock myself any longer. I’m so scared that I really gonna kill myself. I call Ryu, my best friend, begging him to had dinner with me. I told him I need a company and I am starving. Thank God, he said yes. I change my clothes and call a cab. I look horrible. I lose weights. I have bad dark circles in my eyes, puffy eyes, and no makeup. We stay late at that restaurant that night. We talk about things but I didn’t mention anything about what happened to me.

After that night, I try to manage my life again. I try to go out frequently.  I go home to see my mom. Try to focus on my undergraduate thesis so I can graduate faster. I try to exercise more, to throw away the negative feelings and to be more positive. I try not to think about that person anymore. I lost him anyway.

Symptoms of depression (source: WebMd):

  • A Depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
  • Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost ever day
  • Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
  • Insomnia (an inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
  • Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
  • Recurring thought of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
  • A sense of restlessness or being slowed down
  • Significant weight loss or weight gain

If you find this symptoms on yourself, or someone close to you, please ask for help. You don’t need to face this alone. I can’t face mine without people around me. I can’t stand strong without my family and friend. Even though I never told them that I depressed, I realized that I need people around me to keep me sane. That’s why I drag my ass out from my apartment, meet people. Even just go to public space makes me realize that I am not alone. Try to focus on positive side. Do what you love. If you like to sing, invite some of your friends to have a karaoke night. If you like to watch thing, you can do Netflix party or just go to movie together. Just surround yourself with people that can support you. If you have somebody that you trust, talk to him/her. Tell him/her what you feel. If you need help, It’s OK to see a therapist, and take a medication. Don’t ever give up. One of my friend said that life is like coffee, “it’s bitter if you don’t know how to enjoy it. Of course you can add some other ingredients to make it acceptable on your taste.” Don’t give up just because your life is bitter. Find things that will make it works for you. And just like Justin Bieber said “Life is worth living”

depression

Thank you for visiting my blog, I will see you on my next post

kny

This is the *long* story behind my depression, you don’t need to read this

When I was in college, I made a great friendship with 2 senior boys, let’s call them Rob & Ryu. Both of them are my mentors, they taught me things. I had crush in Rob for a while but it didn’t last long. On my last year at college, they both graduated and start work on their office. We still hang out together a few times a week. One night, Rob ask me and Ryu go to one club around south Jakarta to hang out with his friends. Ryu can’t come with us, because he had works that he needs to finish that night. SO, Rob and I went to the club that night, there’s a bunch of girls, Rob new friends, I only knew one of them. Her name is Betty. We hang out a few nights before.

We enjoyed the music, drink a couple glasses of vodka, beers, and dance like there’s no tomorrow. I saw Rob kissed one of the new girls on the dance floor. I drank too much that night, makes me tipsy.  When Rob drop me on my apartment, I asked him, “how many girls that you kissed last night?” he asked me, “why did you asked me that question?”. I tell him that I saw him kissing one of the girls *I don’t remember the name*. He said it happened because of alcohol and the situation. I laugh and said it’s fine, and that party is awesome, I also thank him for bring me there. He left a few minutes later to go to work.

In the afternoon, after all the alcohol vanish from my body, I feel bad for asking rob that question I asked that morning. I text him and said “I am sorry that I asked you that question this morning. I feel so bad”. He said that ‘It’s Ok’ and we texting for a while. That night, Betty came over to my place and we chat, suddenly she said that she like Rob. She asked me what I think about Rob. I told her that Rob is my best friend, he is smart, kind, and a gentleman. She ask me is that OK if she try to close to Rob? I said “yes, why not?”

A few days later, I feel something strange happened between me and Rob, he ignoring me. I thought he was busy, but suddenly he disappears. Disappear in this context is he didn’t reply my text, he didn’t answer my call, even though I call or text him after office hour. It’s really weird, because we text each other all the time, literally. I was worry, because he has a bad habit of working really hard until he gets sick. It happened all the time when he was in college. I ask Ryu about him. He said that Rob is fine and still reply his message regularly. I knew that something is wrong but I don’t know what. I ask Ryu a favor to find out what is going on.

Ryu asked Rob why he ignoring me that way. Rob said that he didn’t like me asking about the kiss, and he didn’t like that I try to make him and Betty together. He said that I hurt myself by doing that. I am so confused. First, I already apologize hours after asking that question, and he said it’s OK. Second, I didn’t try to make them together. Betty likes him. It has nothing to do with me. Yes, I had crush on him, but it so yesterday and it doesn’t mean that no girl can close with him. He isn’t my boyfriend after all. I feel that I need to make anything straight. I decided to text Rob and ask him to meet me at the mall we used to hang out together. He said yes.

That night was the first time I met him after the party, almost a month since the party. When I saw him, I got emotional. I feel happy that I can see him again, I feel relief that he is healthy even the dark circle in his eyes tells that he didn’t sleep well, I feel sad that I can feel that I am losing him. He sat in front of me but he didn’t even see me. He kept looking outside the windows. I ask him why he didn’t answer my call or reply my text. He didn’t answer me, he keep looking outside the windows. I ask him, what did I done, what are my mistakes that made him so mad at me. He still not answers me. I said I’m so sorry. I apologized for every mistake that I made. He’s still in silent. Then I said “can you say something?” He turns his face towards me, and with cold face he said “you knew why I mad at you, you knew your mistake” I cried desperately. Finally I said, “I don’t know, for God sake. I already apologized for everything.” And then I left. Crying like a stupid and desperate girl.

I called Ryu, asking him to meet me at the mall. I cried on the bench. There’s a kind lady that offer me tissue, I was so sad and embarrassed. Ryu came to see me. He comforted me and promised me to talk to Rob, but not now. Rob is too unstable to talk with. He asks me to give Rob time. Ryu said that Rob has hard time at his office and also his relationship with his parents is getting worse.

After that night, I lock myself on my apartment for almost 2 weeks. I had depression that I never tell anybody. I was so scared that I will lose Rob. He is my best friend, he is my mentor. I can lose anybody on campus but not Rob and Ryu. I am losing my mind. I want to kill myself.

I am that kind of person who easily get disappointed with myself. I tend to self-harm or self-destruct. I never cut myself, no, I hate something sharp like knife or cutter. But, when I was a primary school student, every time something bad happened, if I feel pain in my heart, I tend to scratch myself with freshly sharpened wooden pencil. It won’t tear my skin like knife or cutter, but sharp enough to hurt myself.

After 2 weeks, I gave up. I didn’t try to contact Rob anymore. I am tired of trying. We lost contact for almost 3 months, until Christmas. I text him “Merry Christmas”. He replies my message saying thank you and apologized. He apologized that he was so hard on me back in the day. He said that he shouldn’t treat me that bad. I only reply “It’s OK”

I lost him anyway. I lost him that night. I knew that me and him, our relationship won’t be the same again. Even sometimes, three of us meet up to hang out together, I can feel the gap between me and Rob. Ryu and me are still best friend until now. We still hang out together, and chat frequently. And  Rob, I don’t even know where he is now.

 

 

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